I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this any longer, it’s so fucking hard. Why does it hurt so much to care

I always feel like it didn’t effect me as much as I think, but every once and a while I find myself hysterically crying about it… And I know it was the right thing to do for me and for you, cause I know you wouldn’t have had a good life, I wouldn’t be a good mother, and your father would’ve been a rapist alcoholic, you would’ve grew up in a house where your parents were always fighting, you wouldn’t learn about love the right way, we would be so poor cause I would have to stay home to take care of you and your father wouldn’t be able to get a job with his degree cause he has a felony on his record. I know he would’ve lashed out at you cause he did it to me all the time, you would grow up confused cause you would want to see your father as a good person, and I would have such a hard time trying to keep up that image for you… Some days I might be so cripplingly depressed that I wouldn’t be of any use to you… You wouldn’t have grown up the right way, not the way I would’ve wanted you to, and every single day of my life that would break my heart… And everyday I would wish we were both dead so we wouldn’t have to hurt anymore…. I can not stress the heartache and the pain of having to get an abortion… No one is happy about it… But I know I had to do it, I wish that I could somehow convince everyone who refuses to take birth control because of this scare of changing hormones… They fear of getting depression but let me tell you the feeling of depression of having to kill your child is nothing compared to the change of hormones you get from birth control.. You think you’ll always be smart and safe but things happen, sometimes your tricked or lied to or too drunk and birth control can ensure you that these mistakes don’t lead to something more devastating. I don’t think about it all the time, but I think about it a lot and it never fails to bring be to tears… I’m so sorry, I wish I could be with you now.

"I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing."

I don’t if it’s dumb for me to wait for you, and completely block out anyone else that’s trying to talk to me…. I don’t know if maybe I’m not meeting someone that is going to be important in my life because I want to wait for you

lonelylesbianclub:

that mentally ill feel when u have a bad weekend which leads into a bad week and then another bad weekend and then all of a sudden it’s Sunday at 1pm and ur like…wait have I been like this for a month?

(via poisonlikeyourown)